Meh

I know my blogs have not been constant, but I am trying to get back into my groove. I need to establish a routine for school, homework, kids, husband etc. I promise that I have a lot to say....so don't give up on me <3

Such a shame

I have been sitting on this blog for a while, I mean, there is never a "right" time to air dirty laundry. But I feel all this needs to be said. I was raised by my mother, and the atmosphere was far from pleasant, it was horrible at times. Now, I am not saying that my life was any worse than anyone else's...just had a rough start. From negligence, to abuse, to going hungry...these things were normal. I was taught to not speak about these things with anyone.

Fast forward years later, and I have still not dealt with these issues. I started therapy 2 months ago and it feels so good. It feels good to talk about my anger and my hurt. It feels good to have some listen and tell me it is not my fault. My mother thinks that she is the victim in all of this, but she is not. She made the choice to stay and put her children through hell. I harbor so much anger towards her, because in all the turmoil, she still makes it all about her. Everything isn't about her, I was abused, physically and sexually, and that isn't about her. It happened to me and I needed her to be a mom and own up to her mistakes. I am 31, and that hasn't happened. I have gotten the half-assed apologies, but they all start and begin with her feelings, she has never asked how I feel about what happened to me. I believe this is why we clash so much. I want her to be an adult and take ownership of what she put us through. I want to hear that it was not my fault, but I know I won't.

My mother was supposed to visit this last weekend, but I told her that I didn't want her to come. She brings so much negativity to my life. She is toxic to my well-being....and I can no longer allow it. I am tired of being taken advantage of, or taken for granted. I deserve more. My mom has always kissed my middle sisters butt, and ANGTFD (aint nobody got time for dat). We were in an icepocolypse here in Denton, schools were cancelled, and Joshua had to drive to Ft Hood n the crazy weather. Not once did she ask how we were doing....but she finds out my middle sister is traveling and moves heaven and earth to ask for prayers and travel mercies. It probably sounds like I am jealous, but I am mainly more pissed off. I am pissed that she chooses my sisters kids over mine and then wonders why my babies are not close to her.

I don't think the relationship with my mom is fixable. As of right now, we aren't talking. She is telling people that I am no longer the daughter she raised and that I am jaded. In reality, I am just tired of putting up with crap. I have just tired of making others a priority when I am simply an option for them.

My mom always told me that I would owe her when I was done with school. At the end of the day, I have paid for my entire college education, my husband and kids are the ones that have supported me. My i laws have been there, cheering me on. My dad is always there...I would not be here if it weren't for them. I am not asking people to choose sides, but to understand that things are pretty intense. My sister deleted me from Facebook because I brought things up to my mom and asked her why she never talked about me, or my kids, on Facebook. Facebook is evil lol.

I know some people no longer have their mothers and it may seem like I am taking mine for granted, but I am not. I love her, but I can't be around her. I refuse to allow my kids to keep being disappointed by her. She can travel all the way to Japan, Maryland, and SC, to see my sister, but she can't drive 6 hours to see us. I am grumpy and sad....

I love my husband, because through all this...he stands behind me.

Until next time
Be Blessed

Truth

I came across this on Facebook and I was immediately taken back to my therapy appointment yesterday, and yes, I have a therapist. So often I have tried to hide my truth, so many times I have been told to hide my truth. I was abused when I was younger, physically and sexually. My mother tried to get me to hide that truth, she didn't want me (or my sisters) to tell anyone. So I grew up feeling ashamed of what I went through, I grew up pretending that everything was okay, but it wasn't. There were days I had my head slammed against a car window...there were days when I got beat simply for eating certain foods. At the time, I thought I was a bad kid, but now I realize that it wasn't my fault. I learned a lot of negative behavior during my childhood, and sadly, I still carry that with me. I was telling my therapist how I hate myself at times because I know that I am not acting like the person I know I can be. I set limits on myself and my abilities.

We often grow up hanging on to the shame or the guilt; we need that person to tell us that we will be okay and that the sun WILL shine tomorrow. I am 31 years old and I am still dealing with flashbacks and nightmares. I can remember most of the abuse I endured, and I hate that it has stayed with me this long. But, the good thing is, I am getting hall, finally!!! It won't be easy, but it will make me a better person, we all have to start somewhere.

Another thing I struggle with is that I am an emotional eater, and I love food. We didn't have a lot of food growing up, so now I feel like I have to try it all, even if I am not hungry. I find myself struggling to lose weight. I find myself struggling to just say no to cravings. I hate that I have this relationship with food, it needs to stop...so I am working on that too.

On to more important things, school starts in 10 days and I can't wait. I have loved being at home and spending time with my family, but I need routine back. I am also excited because I have some great volunteer events coming up soon, and that makes me happy.

My mood has drastically improved since starting therapy, I am so thankful to have insurance because it allows me to get the help that I so drastically needed. My goal this year is to become a better me. I am not perfect, I still do crazy things, but I am trying to hard to be honest and helpful. I am trying my hardest to have patience and show love because it is show much easier than being upset. Don't get me wrong, I am still angry with certain people in my life, but I have decided to not give them any more of my time. This year is about staying positive!!!

Until next time, be blessed :)

Happy New Year

Happy new year!! It has been a while since my last blog, so I decided to start fresh. Nothing says fresh like the start of a new year! Lets start off with a little bit about me, I am a wife, mother, and student, I am also a friend, sister, and daughter. My life is far from perfect, as you all know; but I am hoping 2014 will bring positive changes. I am hoping to part ways with the negativity and enjoy those that love me.

Often we get complacent with where we are in life, I know I do. We should continue to challenge ourselves, continue to strive to be better. My goals this year are simple: I plan to work on bettering myself because I can be mean, bitchy, cranky, and I have a huge potty mouth. I plan on trying to be a better wife and mother. I hope I can be a better student, because my passion is helping others. It sounds naive, but I believe I was put on this earth to help others.

My life has been filled with struggles, but who hasn't struggled? It doesn't matter how many times you fall, what matters is picking yourself back up and living to fight another day.

A little more about me, I chose the social work profession because I love to help others. I am starting my second semester of the program, and I love it. I have two more full semesters (including this one) and an internship, then I can graduate. I am excited, yet scared. I have the GRE in March and I am nervous about it. I need to get into a decent graduate school so I can do what I want to do in this field, and that is to work with our nation's wounded warriors and their families.

My husband and I have been married for almost 9 years, and life has not always been easy for us, but I hope this year brings positive outcomes. Our children are still young, 8 and 5. They are my inspiration, they keep me going on the days I feel like giving up.

I have learned a lot this year, mostly that family isn't always connected by blood. Family are those that stand by you, no matter what....

This blog is mostly for me to journal and hold myself accountable for my decisions. 2013 was filled with so much craziness, 2014 HAS to be better. So, stick with me on this journey I call life...and lets see where it takes us.

Be blessed

Here are a few songs to get the year started off right :)