Monday, January 13, 2014

Such a shame

I have been sitting on this blog for a while, I mean, there is never a "right" time to air dirty laundry. But I feel all this needs to be said. I was raised by my mother, and the atmosphere was far from pleasant, it was horrible at times. Now, I am not saying that my life was any worse than anyone else's...just had a rough start. From negligence, to abuse, to going hungry...these things were normal. I was taught to not speak about these things with anyone.

Fast forward years later, and I have still not dealt with these issues. I started therapy 2 months ago and it feels so good. It feels good to talk about my anger and my hurt. It feels good to have some listen and tell me it is not my fault. My mother thinks that she is the victim in all of this, but she is not. She made the choice to stay and put her children through hell. I harbor so much anger towards her, because in all the turmoil, she still makes it all about her. Everything isn't about her, I was abused, physically and sexually, and that isn't about her. It happened to me and I needed her to be a mom and own up to her mistakes. I am 31, and that hasn't happened. I have gotten the half-assed apologies, but they all start and begin with her feelings, she has never asked how I feel about what happened to me. I believe this is why we clash so much. I want her to be an adult and take ownership of what she put us through. I want to hear that it was not my fault, but I know I won't.

My mother was supposed to visit this last weekend, but I told her that I didn't want her to come. She brings so much negativity to my life. She is toxic to my well-being....and I can no longer allow it. I am tired of being taken advantage of, or taken for granted. I deserve more. My mom has always kissed my middle sisters butt, and ANGTFD (aint nobody got time for dat). We were in an icepocolypse here in Denton, schools were cancelled, and Joshua had to drive to Ft Hood n the crazy weather. Not once did she ask how we were doing....but she finds out my middle sister is traveling and moves heaven and earth to ask for prayers and travel mercies. It probably sounds like I am jealous, but I am mainly more pissed off. I am pissed that she chooses my sisters kids over mine and then wonders why my babies are not close to her.

I don't think the relationship with my mom is fixable. As of right now, we aren't talking. She is telling people that I am no longer the daughter she raised and that I am jaded. In reality, I am just tired of putting up with crap. I have just tired of making others a priority when I am simply an option for them.

My mom always told me that I would owe her when I was done with school. At the end of the day, I have paid for my entire college education, my husband and kids are the ones that have supported me. My i laws have been there, cheering me on. My dad is always there...I would not be here if it weren't for them. I am not asking people to choose sides, but to understand that things are pretty intense. My sister deleted me from Facebook because I brought things up to my mom and asked her why she never talked about me, or my kids, on Facebook. Facebook is evil lol.

I know some people no longer have their mothers and it may seem like I am taking mine for granted, but I am not. I love her, but I can't be around her. I refuse to allow my kids to keep being disappointed by her. She can travel all the way to Japan, Maryland, and SC, to see my sister, but she can't drive 6 hours to see us. I am grumpy and sad....

I love my husband, because through all this...he stands behind me.

Until next time
Be Blessed

1 comment:

  1. Sarah, as always you are an inspiration. You are very brave to share your story and you are amazing because of all you have accomplished despite the circumstances.