Truth

I came across this on Facebook and I was immediately taken back to my therapy appointment yesterday, and yes, I have a therapist. So often I have tried to hide my truth, so many times I have been told to hide my truth. I was abused when I was younger, physically and sexually. My mother tried to get me to hide that truth, she didn't want me (or my sisters) to tell anyone. So I grew up feeling ashamed of what I went through, I grew up pretending that everything was okay, but it wasn't. There were days I had my head slammed against a car window...there were days when I got beat simply for eating certain foods. At the time, I thought I was a bad kid, but now I realize that it wasn't my fault. I learned a lot of negative behavior during my childhood, and sadly, I still carry that with me. I was telling my therapist how I hate myself at times because I know that I am not acting like the person I know I can be. I set limits on myself and my abilities.

We often grow up hanging on to the shame or the guilt; we need that person to tell us that we will be okay and that the sun WILL shine tomorrow. I am 31 years old and I am still dealing with flashbacks and nightmares. I can remember most of the abuse I endured, and I hate that it has stayed with me this long. But, the good thing is, I am getting hall, finally!!! It won't be easy, but it will make me a better person, we all have to start somewhere.

Another thing I struggle with is that I am an emotional eater, and I love food. We didn't have a lot of food growing up, so now I feel like I have to try it all, even if I am not hungry. I find myself struggling to lose weight. I find myself struggling to just say no to cravings. I hate that I have this relationship with food, it needs to stop...so I am working on that too.

On to more important things, school starts in 10 days and I can't wait. I have loved being at home and spending time with my family, but I need routine back. I am also excited because I have some great volunteer events coming up soon, and that makes me happy.

My mood has drastically improved since starting therapy, I am so thankful to have insurance because it allows me to get the help that I so drastically needed. My goal this year is to become a better me. I am not perfect, I still do crazy things, but I am trying to hard to be honest and helpful. I am trying my hardest to have patience and show love because it is show much easier than being upset. Don't get me wrong, I am still angry with certain people in my life, but I have decided to not give them any more of my time. This year is about staying positive!!!

Until next time, be blessed :)